What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
