Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
