Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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