I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
