i love accidental penises.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize