these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
