It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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