Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
