someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
