she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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