He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize