Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
