Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize