I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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