Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize