saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
