Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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