Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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