I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Randomize
