Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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