I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I am available for nakedness
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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