i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize