2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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