I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
