Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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