i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
