can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
