Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
only you would photoshop your dick
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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