my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
