when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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