I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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