You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
