Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
