I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
