Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
