I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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