you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
that is very illegal...i love you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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