Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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