shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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