I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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