Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
