you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
