...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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