Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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