you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
