it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
