They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
