If i come over, it means nothing
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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