I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just forgot I was standing up.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
