This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
