life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
