i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
