I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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