Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
