I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
