He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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