I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
