Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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