Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
