First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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