I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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