He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
